Interpersonal Relationships and Their Impact On Us

Our relationships have a big impact on us.

Sometimes, it can feel like our relationships bring about a lot of good for us. Our loved ones can be a major source of strength. Making us feel uplifted when we feel our lowest. Helping us through the difficult things in life. Celebrating our successes. Being there for the mundane, boring, and regular days. When we feel well supported, that can make the world of a difference in our lives.

The converse is true too.

Sometimes, it can feel like our relationships bring us down. Our loved ones can be a major source of stress. When there is conflict in our interpersonal relationships, it can greatly affect our lives. Compounding relationship stress with other daily stressors can be incredibly difficult to manage. Additionally, when we are struggling mentally, interpersonal conflict can make us feel worse.

What do we do when our relationships are impacting us negatively?

It can be difficult to figure out how to manage when we realize our stress levels or mood are being affected by our interpersonal relationships. The first step is recognizing where the source of stress and tension is occurring in your relationship.

Sources of conflict can stem from stress and tension like:

• Financial changes

• Work related stress

• Life changes, positive or negative, like giving birth or losing a job

• Difficult behaviors

• Jealousy

• Deception

• Grief and loss

• Chronic Illness

Once you recognize where the distress and tension are coming from, the next step is to identify how that thing is affecting your relationship with this person. Frequently, this is manifested in miscommunications. When miscommunication occurs, it can exacerbate the preexisting conflict.

Common Types of Miscommunication:

• Hearing Versus Listening: Oftentimes, either our loved one or us hears what the other person is saying, but we aren’t actively listening to them and allowing what they are saying to sink in.

• Mind Reading: Sometimes it feels like our loved one should know what we are thinking and automatically understand our perspective. When this occurs, it places unrealistic expectations on ourselves and the other person to have the super power of just knowing.

• Using Absolutes: Words like “never” or “always” imply that something happens or doesn’t happen 100% of the time, which when we take a step back, oftentimes, we realize that the frequency of these occurrences aren’t 100%, even if they feel like it to us sometimes.

• Should/Should Not Statements: We all have our own beliefs on the way things “should” be or the way things “should” be done; they aren’t always going to align with your loved ones beliefs.

Another factor that can increase miscommunications is timing; when we say something can have almost as much impact as what we say. Wanting to bring up concerns in any relationship is valid, but it is important to consider if the other person is receptive at the moment.

For example, imagine you had a bad day at work. You finally get home at the end of the day ready to settle into your nighttime routine. Then, you get a phone call from your loved one that brings up an argument that you had the day before. During moments like that, we are less receptive to what our loved one has to say, even if they have valid concerns.

How do I communicate during conflict with a loved one?

Once we’ve identified possible areas of tension and the kinds of miscommunication, now we take steps to effectively communicate despite these circumstances. There are several strategies that can be employed to minimize stressful moments or conversations in relationships.

Communication Strategies:

• Be Specific Rather Than General: When talking about events or instances that were upsetting to you, being specific rather than general helps reiterate the frequency as well as the behavior. Being general makes things sound like absolutes and doesn’t guide your loved one to a place of reflection about the specific situation that was upsetting.

• Using “I” Statements: Using statements that begin with “I” helps frame things from your perspective and communicate that to your loved one. “You” statements sound accusatory and can create additional tension.

• Observations Rather Than Inferences: Referencing specific events or behaviors that actually occurred can help the conversation be a time of reflection and discussion. When we use our interpretations of the situations, it frames the behavior under only our perspective.

• Reflective listening: With this type of listening, you try to clarify what your loved one is saying and restate what the other person has said. By doing this, it increases your understanding of what the other person is saying, reassures them, and clarifies their thoughts.

• Body language: What you are doing while you communicate with your loved one can also affect how the message is received. Keeping your arms crossed, furrowing eyebrows, rolling eyes, being on your phone, and similar behaviors demonstrate that you are closed off to what your loved one is saying. Having eye contact, nodding along, minimizing distractions demonstrates that you are open to what your loved one is saying.

Learning to communicate effectively, especially when in highly stressful or emotional moments, is not an easy thing. Even once you begin to practice and employ these strategies, we can’t be held to perfection. We will all make mistakes and miscommunication will happen. It’s about what we do afterwards that matters. Taking accountability for our actions and apologizing can be major steps in repairing relationships after conflict occurs.

Interpersonal therapy (IPT) is one approach to therapy that focuses on the symptoms someone is experiencing and how their interpersonal relationships play a factor in those symptoms. When you are struggling with interpersonal conflict, stress, and miscommunication, working with a therapist who specializes in IPT can provide you with support and relief.

If the above information has resonated with you and you are interested in working with a mental health professional, there are professionals who specialize in this specific kind of counseling, some who also work for our practice. If you think that someone at Be Kind Counseling would be a good fit to support you with any interpersonal relationship struggles you are experiencing, you can book a 20-minute consultation with us here.